5/2/11 WWE RAW COVERAGE (THE ROCK’S BIRTHDAY)
by Hans Keller
LIVE from Miami, FL
RAW opens tonight with an opening vignette dedicated to 9/11/2001, when terrorists attacked the WTCs and the Pentagon, claimed to have been orchestrated by Osama Bin Laden. Then fast forward to two days later, a live edition of SmackDown in honor of the United States of America. And here we are today, welcomed to a singing of the national anthem by Lilian Garcia. I think it is safe to say that tonight’s RAW is dedicated to last night’s successful assassination of Osama Bin Laden. USA chants break out after Lilian finishes and RAW opens.
Josh Mathews and King welcome us and immediately plug Patriotism and Rock’s birthday party. Cole then plugs Cena vs. Miz for the WWE Championship. The Rock’s music hits and he comes out to a standing ovation, wearing his new team bring it shirt. Cole and King talk up The Rock’s appearance. He grins, takes in the fan’s chants, and utters his famous opening promo line: FINALLY! THE ROCK HAS COME—–HOME!!!!!!!!!!! More Rocky chants fill the arena as Rock says that “WE GOT HIM!” This came to thunderous applause, cue USA chants. Rock thanks the troops for serving the nation without fail. He says his family are proud members of the military and that he is DAMN proud to be American. He says there is only one way to start tonight: the pledge of allegiance. “…for liberty and and justice for all”. More USA chants and Rock says it feels good to be home. He cuts a promo on himself and shows a picture of himself in High School and talks about getting more pie than King Kong Bundy. He then talks up playing football for the Hurricanes and winning the Orange Bowl and then onto the WWE.
The GM cuts him off and there are major boos. But then The Rock cuts Michael Cole off! He says he cant hear Cole. He tells Cole to show class and tells him to read it to the Rock’s face. Cole tries to read from where he is and Rock says he is scared. Rock calls Cole a tough guy. He issues an ultimatum: get in the ring read to Rock’s face, or be a bitch. Cole says he is scared of nothing. Cole takes off his jacket and shirt, wearing a Celtics jersey, MASSIVE HEAT. Cole then nuts up and gets in the ring and says the GM demands an apology for embarrassing the GM at Wrestlemania, or he will shut down The Rock’s birthday party. Cole then says he himself wants an apology, calls Rock by his real name Dwayne, and says he wants an apology for the negative treatment Rock gave him over the years.
Rock says Michael Cole is right about disrespecting the GM and Michael Cole. The Rock says he has one thing to say: “I’m sorry” and outstretches his hand. Cole, after hesitating, shakes Rock’s hand. Rock says thank you to Cole and gets bleeped and Rock Bottom’s Cole, followed up by the People’s Elbow. But thats not all, Rock brights out Pitbull. Who brings out the Miami Heat cheerleaders.
Coming up next: John Morrison vs. R-Truth
We’re brought back to RAW and J.R. has joined Josh and King at ringside! Wooo! No Cole! John Morrison makes his way out and is ambushed by R-Truth from behind. Truth does damage to Morrison and the bell hasn’t even been rung yet. Referee John Cone tells Truth to leave. Looks like this match isn’t happening. Morrison sells the ambush as referees help him to the back. Truth comes back out and smacks him right on the steel. This wasn’t about having a match, like Josh Mathews said, this was about sending a message.
We are back and shown a tribute to The Rock by Jimmy Kimmell, who pulls candy…from his ass. Now Maryse makes her way to the ring for divas action versus RAW’s newest Diva: Kelly Kelly. J.R. says the trainers are looking at Morrison’s damage.
Maryse vs. Kelly Kelly
Kelly starts on top but then Kharma’s music plays!!!! MARK OUT!!!!!!! King tries yelling at Kelly to get out of the ring as Kharma walks down the ramp. Kharma is eying down Kelly Kelly, who is mortified. Kharma now looks at both Maryse AND Kelly, then goes after Maryse and lays her out with an Implant Buster, followed by that maniacal laugh, then stares at Kelly Kelly, but then makes her way out of the ring. Looks like Kharma may be a face? I don’t know, too soon to say. All I know is that at least it wasn’t Michael Cole interrupting the match like a jackass.
Camera shot brings us to The Miz, with Alex Riley. The Miz asks Riley where he was last night. Riley says he couldn’t be with Miz because he got drafted. Miz says Riley has a personal contract with him, and that Riley must do what he says. Miz says no one will be talking about Rock’s birthday, all they will talk about is Miz as WWE champion. The match is plugged by the commentators, then Rock’s birthday, with a shout out to Rock from Paul Walker, Rock’s co-star in Fast Five.
We come back to another shout out, this one from Samuel L. Jackson. The Rock is surrounded by the ladies as he talks about singing happy birthday to the Obama’s. RYDER SIGHTING! Kozlov comes up to Rock and says he has a masterpiece for him and brings out Santino in costume. Then Hornswaggle comes out dressed as the Scorpion King! Now Khali as The Tooth Fairy (you all see where THIS is going). Rock says he has the perfect title, cue Ron Simmons: “DAMN!” (NEVER gets old)
NEXT: John Cena defends the WWE Championship against The Miz w/ Alex Riley!
Steve Carell gives The Rock a shout out. Funny stuff.
WWE Championship time!
WWE Championship
John Cena (ch) vs. The Miz w/ Alex Riley
Referee: Mike Chioda
Justin Roberts does his introductions and this match is underway. The two circle, lock up, headlock by Miz. Cena pushes off, two counters, hip toss, dropkick good for a one count. Irish whip into the corner, off the ropes, bulldog good for two. Off the ropes but Miz counters. Miz punches Cena into a corner but Cena punches out, nails A Ry which Miz takes advantage of. Miz throws him out and distracts Chioda while A Ry takes Cena out with a clothesline. Irish whip into the steel steps and into the ring. Cover, gets only two for it. Cena in one corner, Miz backs up, looking for his corner attack and nails it. Miz to the top with a Double axe handle for two.
**COMMERCIAL**
Back from Commercial break and Miz is still on top and just gets another near fall. Miz punches Cena in the corner and is forced to break twice. A Ry tempts a dirty move but Chioda catches him in time. Miz tries his corner move again but misses. A pair of shoulder tackles from Cena and his spin out powerbomb. You can’t see me, five knuckle shuffle. AA, countered and a huge kick by Miz, who is clutching his shoulder, looking at Cena in contempt. He goes for a kick, misses, STF! Miz makes it to the ropes and Cena uses the full 5 count. kick by Miz, low angle DDT good for two only.
Miz goes to expose a turnbuckle while A Ry distracts Chioda. Goes to smash, counter. He goes for another AA but then Miz hits his backbreaker/neckbreaker (needs a name for that, I might call it Mizery)) combo good only for two. Miz sets up for his SCF, Ref bump. STF, Miz taps but it does no good with no referee. A Ry distracts, Miz with the briefcase, SCF. Still no referee as A Ry tries to revive Chioda. One…two….KICKOUT! Miz and A Ry can’t believe it! Miz sits there stewing and gets to his feet. ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT OUT OF NOWHERE! THAT’S IT–NO ONLY TWO!!!!!! Chioda starts the double count out. Miz grabs the WWE title while A Ry distracts and nails Cena for the win.
WINNER AND NEW WWE Champion: The Miz–
BUT WAIT!!! Chioda sees the belt in the middle of the ring and DISQUALIFIES The Miz!
Therefore STILL WWE Champion: John Cena
Miz gets in A Ry’s face and shoves him. Cena cleans house and AA’s both the men for their troubles.
Shoutout from Ellen “The Public Water Fountain” (she said it, not me) Degeneres for The Rock.
Rock birthday shoutout from Tyler Perry.
The announcers plug Cena’s win and then talk about Cena’s honor to give the news of Bin Laden’s death to the crowd at Extreme Rules. Now its time for Tag Team announcer and Ricardo Rodriguez is in the ring to announce Alberto Del Rio, who is not dressed for competition. Rather, it looks like he will be joining commentary.
Rey Mysterio & Kofi Kingston vs. Jack Swagger & Drew McIntyre
Rey and Swagger start out this match. Jack powers Rey easily to the mat and then into the corner. No clean break to start. Irish whip, then boot to the face and a hurricanrana into the turnbuckle, tag to Kofi. Rey with the bronco buster and Kofi does his trademark leap and punches in the corner. Drew gets the dirty upper hand as Swagger isolates Kofi into the corner.
Swagger still has control of Kofi after the break as Kofi tries to tag to no avail. In comes Drew McIntyre, who pounds Kofi in his corner. Kofi with the school boy for two and a knock down by Drew and a jackknife cover for a near fall. Tag in to Jack Swagger, who comes dropping elbows. Front side headlock by Swagger. Kofi reaches for another tag but is again denied and then Swagger gives Mysterio a cheap shot before tagging in Drew McIntyre, walking with a bit of arrogance as he gets a kick but then reasserts himself. Kofi tries to fight back, counters a back suplex WITH A TAG! Hurricanrana on Drew, a kick then a drop kick, and another kick. Pin attempt broken up by Jack Swagger. Swagger cleared out by Kofi. Trouble in Paradise by Kofi on Drew, 619 followed by the top rope splash for three! Alberto, who was trashing Rey the whole match, tried getting in on it, but Rey would have none of it.
Josh Mathews talked up the new alliance with the bullying program “be a STAR” and we are shown a video. This is something I support as I have seen the effects of bullying in school. In fact it caused someone I know to claim his own life because he got it so bad. So I applaud WWE for publicly supporting this initiative. for more information, go to http://www.beastaralliance.org.
Shoutout to The Rock from Ludacris, who co-starred with Rocky in Fast Five.
Shoutout to The Rock from Miami Dolphins’s own Dan Marino.
Shot of Christian, who got praise from The Rock for his match last night. “EXCUSE ME!!” Vickie comes in and says even though people forgot her birthday, she and Dolph got him something. MAE YOUNG!? Can’t say I’m surprised! Rock then tells Vickie and Dolph to shut up because they think its a joke. Rock says Vickie will never…AND THE ROCK MEANS EVER look as beautiful as Mae Young. He asks them if they think they can get one over on The Rock. IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT THEY THINK! Rock says he is glad Mae came and gave her a kiss. He looks at Dolph and says “The Rock gets more pie than you get in a lifetime.”
Enter John Cena, he got Rock a gift: the WWE Championship, which he plans on keeping until Wrestlemania 28, when they fight. Rock has only three words: “Just Bring it” Cena wishes Rock a happy birthday.
Coming up next: Kane is in action against Mason Ryan!
Birthday shoutout from George Lopez, who draws an imitation Rock mustache
Mason Ryan comes out with CM Punk leading him.
Kane vs. Mason Ryan w/ CM Punk
Mason Ryan shoves Kane down, which is a rarity. Kane with a headlock, tries a shoulder tackle, but then met with a clothesline. Mason bodyslams Kane. In the corner, Irish whip twice, boot to the face, uppercut and a clothesline and CM Punk DQs CM Punk. In comes the New Nexus. Kane tries to chokeslam Mason, but fails as he is taken down! The New Nexus then get on Kane like vultures. In comes Big Show. Big Show clears house but then gets speared by Mason Ryan! This guy is impressive I’ll tell you.
Rock’s celebration is coming up: NEXT!
Shoutouts from Regis and Kelly, and Craig Ferguson.
Rock comes out for his birthday celebration. Rock thinks everyone had a good time. He thanked everyone for coming out and making tonight one of the greatest nights of his life. he thanks his family in attendance and at home. He thanks WWE. He goes on more, now cue Mr. McMahon. He wishes Rock a happy birthday. He thanks Rock for letting him celebrate his birthday, and thanked him for bringing him aside and asking for opportunities. He thanked Rock for his respect, passion, humanity, for the audience to say “WHAT?” Thanked Rock for his love, devotion, and for being The Rock. He said that WWE put together a present for him. He thanked Rock for coming home.
A tasteful vignette airs for Rock, which is met with much cheers, smiles and applause. Rocky chants erupt after it concludes. Maya comes out to sing happy birthday to The Rock along with all the fans. Rock thanks everyone, says he loves everyone….IF YOU SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING! Streamers, confetti, and balloons come flying down from the rafters followed by some ramp pyro to close out the show.
Thanks for reading everyone!
Tonight’s secret word is patriot.
