Impact Wrestling Results – 3/23/17 (Karen Jarrett returns, Lashley)
Impact Wrestling Results
March 23, 2017
Orlando, FL (The Impact Zone)
Commentary: Josh Mathews, Da Pope, Jeremy Borash
By: Gerald Bocook of Wrestleview.com
Last week, recaps of Alberto El Patron vs EC3, Sienna threatening Allie and Braxton Sutter, Cody challenging Moose, and the return of LAX.
We open to the Natural Born Killers, Davey Richards and Angelina Love, coming to the Impact Zone. The most dangerous duo in Impact Wrestling. Heading out to face him will be Suicide.
Davey Richards (w/ Angelina Love) vs. Suicide
Lock-up and Suicide shoves Richards to the ropes, Richards with a shoulder block. Hits the ropes, Suicide with a hip toss. Arm drag from Suicide into an arm bar. Richards is up and shoves Suicide to the corner and stomps at him. Whip, Suicide up and a hurricanrana from Suicide. Dropkick from Suicide and Richards rolls out. Suicide taunts and as Richards is up, Suicide with a slingshop plancha!
Suicide rolls Richards in, stalks, huge dropkick into the corner! Suicide covers; one, two—kickout!
Suicide approaches Richards and Richards throws Suicide out of the ring! Richards pulls Suicide up and throws him into the barricade! He kisses Love and then charges Suicide—big boot! Richards rolls Suicide into the ring, Suicide tries to fight out, but an Irish whip, Richards chases and lariats Suicide down! Richards stalks Suicide, pulls him up by the mask, and then delivers kicks into the chest, repeatedly, kicking Suicide down into the corner! Richards and Love kiss through the ropes after Suicide is thrown across the ring, and Suicide is out on the apron. Richards charges, shoulder block staggers Richards, slingshot dropkick! Richards rolls out of the ring again, Suicide dive!
Suicide rolls Richards into the ring, up on the apron, up on the top, cross body! Suicide covers; one, two, thre—kickout!
Suicide picks Richards up, but Richards fights out. Richards with a back suplex, Suicide rolls off, shove to the ropes, Suicide gets Richards up on his shoulders– Canadian roll! Suicide follows up with a lionsault; one, two, thr—kickout!
Suicide grabs Richards and pulls him up, Richards with an knee gets out of the vertical suplex attempt, and Richards takes down Suicide! Suicide tries to pull himself up in the corner, Richards charges, big flying elbow! Throws Suicide out of the corner, Richards up to the top. Richards leaps off, but the double stomp misses! Richards charges, inside cradle from Suicide; one, two, thr—kickout!
Richards with a running kick to the downed Suicide! Richards pins; one, two, three!
Winner by pinfall: Davey Richards (Creeping Death)
Richards and Love celebrate in the center of the ring. Richards chases off the referee as he tries to raise his hand.
We go to the announce booth, and there’s actually someone with a “Josh Mathews Fan Club” shirt. They argue over the “she” in “who is she?” teased tonight.
We get an LAX promo video. Konnan says that last week was a warning shot, but they’re marksmen, and they’ll never miss a shot. Konnan says he wants the tag belts, and they’ll defend them wherever they want.
Gerald’s Thoughts: Quick match, but solid efforts. Richards being all creepy with his wife was fun.
In the back, McKenzie Mitchell has found Laurel van Ness in the back. She’s still wearing week-old makeup and crying in her wedding dress. Laurel says she’s fine before sobbing and saying she isn’t fine. How is she supposed to have children? Laurel says everyone ruined it. Laurel says she hates Maria, Sienna—Sienna pops up and says no, Maria gave her everything. Allie ruined everything. Sienna needs Laurel to focus; she has a surprise for Allie and Braxton. She tells Laurel to take a shower. Laurel starts singing that the sun will come out tomorrow before sobbing.
Back in the Impact Zone, Idris Abraham makes his way to the ring for international tag team action. Fallah Bahh and Mario Bokara will be his partners. Bahh and Bokara are the Monster Factory Tag Team Champions. Their opponents will be Mahabali Shera, Laredo Kid, and Garza Jr.. Mathews makes fun of their hard-to-pronounce names.
Idris Abraham, Fallah Bahh and Mario Bokara vs. Mahabali Shera, Laredo Kid and Garza Jr.
Abraham and Garza start off. Garza doesn’t look impressed. Tie-up, Garza shoves Abraham back. Garza calls for a high test of strength, Abraham leaps to meet and is out-strengthed. Abraham kicks Garza, Garza kicks back, springs off the top rope, and they run the ropes for a few before Abraham shoulder tackles Garza.
Garza taunts Abraham and strips off his pants showing trunks and slams Abraham. Garza tags in Laredo Kid, Kid springs in from the apron and takes out Abraham. Abraham gets the advantage and drags Kid to the corner. Abraham tags in Bokara and Laredo punches him as the tag happens. Laredo off the ropes and a hurricanrana sends Bokara into the corner. Bokara tags in Fallah Bahh.
Laredo shoves Bahh, but Bahh doesn’t move. Bahh shoves Laredo down with a single hand. Laredo off the ropes but Bahh with a cross body splatters Laredo! Bokara tags in and Bahh scoop slams him onto Laredo! Bokara pins; one, two—kickout!
Bokara on Kid, big German suplex with a release! Bokara taunts and pins; one, two—kickout!
Bokara tags out to Abraham and stomps at Kid. Abraham with chops, and stomps into the corner. Irish whip, Idris charges, Kid gets a boot up and a cutter outta nowhere! Both men down, Kid tags in Shera and Abraham tags in Bokara!
Shera with elbows takes down Bokara. Big scoop slam, and then Bokara’s tag partners gets lariated down by Shera! Fallah Bahh gets a big spinebuster! Shera with the Sky High Spinbuster on Bokara! One, two, three!
Winners by pinfall: Shera, Laredo Kid and Garza Jr.
Cut to the back, limo. A security guard stands by the door.
Gerald’s Thoughts: Another one of those too-fast-for-my-typing matches, but it was fun! They’re doing a good job of trying to add some depth to the roster! Fallah Bahh seems like he’s going to be fun to watch, even if the gimmick seems pretty generic “Yokozuna”-style guy.
In the back, the security guard is keeping the camera from getting close to the limo.
In the Impact Zone, Decay is coming to the ring.
Decay (Crazzy Steve and Abyss) w/ Rosemary vs. Reno Scum
I think I know who is who now, thanks to the comments from my last episode. Luster is the guy with the mohawk, Thornestone is the bald guy. Gotcha. Thornestone is going to start off with Steve. Thornestone goes for a lariat but Steve ducks. Thornestone taunts, Steve charges, into repeated rights! Irish whip, big takedown and Thornestone stomps on Steve before a senton! Standing moonsault from Thornestone! He covers; one, two—kickout!
Steve grabs the eyes and drags Thornestone into the corner before taggins in Abyss.
Thornestone gets away before Abyss can attack and tags in Luster.
Luster and Abyss face-off before breaking into fisticuffs! Abyss headbutts and gets staggered as Luster looks on! Luster assaults Abyss in the corner, ducks a lariat and a headbutt to Abyss! Abyss crawls to the corner and tags in Steve!
Luster traps Steve in the corner and tags in Thornestone before the two stomp him down!
Irish whip, Rosemary gets a hand on Thornestone and Abyss uses the distraction to assault Adam! Adam is out of the ring and Rosemary is attacking Thornestone! Rosemary rolls Thornestone back into the ring and Steve looks like he’s trying to tear his head off! Big Irish whip into the corner and Steve tags in Abyss.
Abyss from the far corner splashes Thornestone. Steve in, cannonball! Abyss taunts, but gets swept up in the crowd. He pulls Adam up and punches him down before trying to pull his head off as well. Thornestone gets up, fights his way out, but Abyss with a running elbow takes him back down. “That felt good!” He yells. Abyss tags in Steve.
Steve goes for the cannonball again, but Thornestone rolls out of the way. He crawls over and tags in Luster.
Luster charges Steve and lariats him down. Delayed fisherman buster! Abyss in and is hammered down by Luster! Abyss reverses a whip, Luster beats him back, and a huge flying shoulder tackle from Luster! Luster follows Abyss out and they brawn! Abyss tries to whip Luster into the stairs and Luster reverses! In the ring, Steve has Thornestone in the chickenwing. Rosemary with the poison mist—Thornestone ducks and Steve gets a face full of poison! Luster in the ring, he picks Rosemary up on his shoulders and throws her out of the ring over the ropes, into Abyss! Thornestone drops Steve and Luster puts him in an Indian deathlock, Luster leapfrogs Luster and double stomps Crazzy Steve! Luster covers; one two, three!
Winners by pinfall: Reno Scum
Still to come, Bruce Pritchard interviews Lashley.
Gerald’s Thoughts: Reno Scum is pretty impressive so far. I would’ve, personally, had Decay go over here to challenge for the tag belts next week, but I can understand wanting to have the new talent be highlighted.
Spooky stairwell, a TV on static, someone walking down stairs, an eye opens. Fury will be unleashed. That’s a thing.
In the Impact Zone, Eli Drake is heading to the ring, accompanied by Tyrus. He’ll challenge Moose for the Impact Grand Championship.
In the back, the Limo has Cody and Brandi! Cody leaves, wearing a Bullet Club hoodie. He walks through the background and he assaults Moose with a steel chair as Moose is making his entrance! Back in the Impact Zone, Cody hits Moose with the chair again! Cody drags Moose down the ramp—Crossroads on the steel entrance ramp! That’s the hardest part of the entrance ramp! Cody holds the Impact Grand Championship over his head as Brandi tries to reign him in. Cody leaves, and officials are helping Moose to the back.
Gerald’s Thoughts: As soon as I heard that Moose was defending the Championship against Drake, I knew this was going to end poorly. Poor Drake, though. He doesn’t even get an impromptu match after all that.
In the Impact Zone, there’s cheering, lights flashing, and the sound of helicopters. I guess that means that LAX is coming to the ring! They enter through the crowd. Konnan says that they’re going to take what they want, street-style. DCC comes to the ring and Mathews says this match’ll look like the wild west.
LAX (Ortiz and Santana) w/ Konnan, Homicide and Diamante vs. DCC (James Storm and Bram) w/ Kingston
Storm will start with Santana. Santana gets Bram off the apron and with the distraction, Ortiz is in and assaults Storm. Santana and Storm brawl, but Ortiz gets a tag. They double team Storm again, and Ortiz kneels down for Santana to moonsault Storm. Santana tagged back in, Storm fights out, takes to the ropes, but Ortiz pulls his hair. Ortiz pulls Storm out and shoves him into the barricade. Homicide and Ortiz attack! Storm rolls back in and Santana pins; one, two—kickout!
Back in the Zone, Santana is choking Storm on the middle rope. Santana whips Storm to the ropes and Storm with a uge leaping clothesline takes out Santana! Storm leaps to make the tag, but the referee didn’t see it! Ortiz had Hebner distracted! Ortiz assaults Storm as the referee tries to keep Bram out. Storm takes Santana out and tries to tag BRam, but now it’s Kingston distracting the referee! Storm continues to be assaulted and Ortiz is now the legal man.
Bram lariats Santana down! IN the corner, and Bram with a huge elbow! Bram off the ropes, huge running knee! Ortiz in, pop-up powerbomb from Bram! Bram on the middle rope, Santana with an enzuigiri as BStorm tags himself in, Bram sent to the outside! Storm cleans out, but Ortiz sends him to the apron! Storm with an enzuigiri! Storm back in, fighting with Santana. Santana grabs Storm from behind but Storm breaks out. Ortiz is in and Storm shoves Santana into him. Ortiz grabs Santana and Storm gets behind Ortiz—neckbreaker from Storm to Ortiz becomes a DDT from Ortiz to Santana! Storm with a pin; one, two—kickout!
Storm tosses Ortiz out. Lungblower on Santana! Storm is feelin it, going for the Last Call, but gets distracted by Ortiz on the outside! Storm gets rolled up by Santana but kicks out. Kingston hits Storm with a water bottle! LAX with a double team flipjack and Santana pins; one two, three!
Winners by pinfall: LAX
LAX celebrates going up the ramp and Kingston looks mad at himself. Storm is frustrated Storm yells at Kingston, saying he did it. Twice. Kingston shoves Storm. Storm takes his topknot out. They go face-to-face. Bram separates them. Storm says he started this. The crowd chants “Cowboy!” Kingston and Bram talk as Storm leaves the ring.
Earlier this week, Bruce Pritchard sat down with Bobby Lashley. Pritchard asks who Bobby Lashley is. Lashley says he’s an ordinary guy, he just does extraordinary things. They talk about all the things Lashley has done in his career, including training with the US Olympic training team. Pritchard asks how that makes him the greatest athlete in the world. Lashley says it separates him from everyone else.
More to come from this interview later.
Gerald’s Thoughts: I’m liking the new LAX. Fun guys to watch. And if they’re not going to do anything useful with DCC, better to break ’em up, get that mess out of the way, and let everyone move on to something better.
DJZ says that Impact is about being ahead of the curve. You’re gonna see more great from Impact. He says he always believed in them, and they always believed in him. #MakeImpactGreat
McKenzie Mitchell in the back says that Cody challenging Moose for the Impact Grand Championship will take place next week. She they introduces Braxton and Allie. McKenzie asks if Sienna’s threat worries them. Braxton says he won’t let Sienna faze them.
Back in the Impact Zone, Rebel is coming to the ring. Mathews wonders if this is “She”, but Borash says she isn’t. Rebel has a hell of an entrance. ODB will be her opponent tonight!
Rebel vs. ODB
Rebel assaults ODB before the bel, and then selds her outside! Rebel slams ODB into the apron and then the steel stairs! Rebel threatens the ref and then rolls ODB into the ring. Rebel follows in, but ODB fights her off. ODB takes to the ropes but Rebe with a leaping lariat takes her down! Rebel covers;
Rebel with a scoop slam, then heads to the top! ODB throws Rebel down and grabs her flash. She gets some Dutch courage and fires up, huge lariat takes down Rebel! Annd another! And a third! Rebel tries to get up in the corner, ODB charges, huge splash crushes Rebel! ODB charges the corner—bronco buster!! ODB says she’s a classy broad!
ODB charges, Rebel ducks the splash! Rebel rolls ODB up and grabs the skirt; one, two—kickout!
Rebel flips out and grabs her hat before threatening to hit Hebner again. She swings—Hebner catches it and takes her hat off, putting it on himself. Hebner has Rebel by the arm… ummm… Earl Hebner just kissed Rebel and is prancing around like Ric Flair.
ODB with a fallaway slam. ODB hits the flask—no, Earl grabs it and hits it. Earl asks what’s in there? ODB stares a hole in the referee. She reaches into a pocket and grabs some binaca. ODB kisses Hebner. This is… What is happening? Why is this my life?
ODB picks Rebel up on her shoulders—TKO! ODB covers; one, two, three!
Winner by pinfall: ODB (TKO)
ODB pulls Hebner up and checks on him. She raises Hebner’s hand and puts Rebel’s hat back on him before slapping his ass and leaving the ring. “What did we just see? What was that?” Mathews asks. I agree.
Gerald’s Thoughts: Welp. That was only about 72% creepy. Somebody wrote that, people. Someone wrote that the old-ass Earl Hebner was going to make out with the 20-something Knockouts. Moving on.
More from the Pritchard interview. Lashley tells the story of how professional wrestling entered his life. He said it was because he was of his knee being destroyed during his involvement in a bank robbery a year before the 2004 Olympics. Lashley lost his chance at the Olympics. Pritchard asks if Lashley has a chip on his shoulder because of that. Lashley says yeah. He had everything stripped from him. He knows what he’s capable of and won’t let anyone take anything from him again.
In the ring, some guy that didn’t even get an entrance. He will face the Destroyer of Worlds, Walking Armageddon, the World Champion, Lashley. The guy’s name is Jake Holmes.
Lashley vs. Jake Holmes
Bell rings and Lashley shoves Holmes into the corner. Clean break, but Lashley kicks Holmes out of the ring. Back in, Lashley hammers Holmes down. Elbows to Holmes’ head. Gutwrench Dominator! Lashley pins with one hand; one, two—Lashley picks Holmes up!
Holmes fights out but Lashley isn’t stunned. Holmes hits the ropes, huge lariat takes down Holmes! Front suplex, and Lashley keeps Holmes up! Big delay before the slam! Lashley up, stalking Holmes, but Holmes sees it coming and bails! Lashley throws Holmes back into the ring—SPEAR!
Lashley covers; one, two, three.
Winner by pinfall: Lashley (Spear)
Lashley celebrates in the ring, the World Championship raised over his head. Lashley leaves with barely a thought.
A graphic asking “Who is ‘SHE’?” Appears.
Gerald’s Thoughts: The Lashley interview bit here was great. The story of how he turned to pro wrestling is interesting and legitimately intriguing. Jake Holmes’ body was recovered and set home to his family to be interred in a local cemetary.
Who Is “She?”
In the Impact Zone, Borash says his guest was integrel to Impact Wrestling making it as far as it has today. That woman is Karen Jarrett. She signs an autograph for a fan and hugs a kid who looks uninterested. Mathews looks bored. The crowd chants “Welcome back!”
Borash says Karen has a long history with Impact Wrestling. He wants to say welcome back, officially. He asks Karen’s thoughts on everything that’s going on here. She says her family started this company. Their hard work, sweat, tears, everything have been put into this company. The last few years have been difficult. She says she’s not going to be petty and will look forward to the future. A “Fire Josh!” chant starts. Mathews insults the fans. Karen says she’ll add that to the list. A huge “yes!” chant starts, followed by a “Thank you, Karen!” Karen thanks the fans. Ethan Carter III cuts her off. Carter says he can feel the energy in the Impact Zone. And she’s right; they have the best fans in the world. Impact, baby! The whole team rules. But the most important part of the show, the locker room. One of the greatest that EC3 has been in. He says he’s a locker room leader. The new guys are okay. But, “Make Impact Great”? Didn’t he start that when he rolled up and beat everyone? Isn’t he the only true star this company created? He salutes Karen and says her top man is reporting for duty. Together, they’ll make Impact great. But… he isn’t doing it for her last name. He’s doing it for his. Mathews interrupts. Who gave him a microphone? Mathews says he has something to say. Mathews steps out from behind the desk and enters the ring.
“The evil tyrant queen has returned!” Feels good to be back, doesn’t it, Karen? Mathews dogs the decision to put JB on the announce booth, Bruce Pritchard, Dutch Mantell, he tells the fans that come for free because they can’t afford tickets to shut up. Mathews says his problem is with Karen. Karen says she’s here to help, but Mathews says she isn’t here to help. Does Karen even know who his wife is? Of course not. His wife has forgotten more about the Knockouts than Karen will ever know. Mathews says it won’t be long before the Jarretts are gone from Impact forever. Karen slaps Mathews down! Karen tells him to keep that name out his mouth.
Gerald’s Overall Thoughts: Well, that was certainly worth hyping up the whole entire show for. I’m just glad it was over quick. Good show, but a better ending segment was needed. Does anyone care enough that Karen Jarrett is back for them to have taken up the main event? Show of hands? Bueller? Bueller?
1) Davey Richards def Suicide
2) Mahabali Shera, Garza Jr., and Laredo Kid def. Idris Abraham, Fallah Bahh, and Mario Bokara
3) LAX def DCC
4) ODB def Rebel
5) Lashley def Jake Holmes
– New Tag Team Champions will be decided
– Moose defends the Impact Grand Championship against Cody
Don’t forget, you can find me on Twitter @TheGREATMoto. Let me know what you thought of the show there, or in the comments below! And I’ll see you all next week!