by Stevie J of Angrymarks.com
The landscape of TNA continues to evolve with TNA holding Final Resolution last week and crowning a new world champion! In fact that’s how Impact Wrestling opens this week – with a video package reminding us that Magnus beat Jeff Hardy in the finals last week. With that out of the way, Dixie Carter hits the ring. The crowd chants for AJ Styles, but she’s having none of it.
Dixie tries to tell us that she has a major announcement, but before she can deliver it, Jeff Hardy limps to the ring to interrupt. She reminds him that he’s not the World Champion, and he says that’s fine, the “creatures of the night” know me. Rockstar Spud, Dixie’s diminutive Chief of Staff, is IRATE that Hardy would have the IMPUDENCE to INTERRUPT. Jeff says it will only take a minute. Spud tells him to hit the bricks and MAYBE he’ll get some time to talk next week.
Jeff Hardy takes exception and begins to throttle Spud, but he gets blindsided by Dixie’s nephew Ethan Carter III. She tries to start her announcement again, but STING’S MUSIC INTERRUPTS. Sting says he has a list of demands of his own. She doesn’t care what Sting wants. He says she should care what the PEOPLE want – and that’s Sting and Jeff Hardy against Spud and EC3. She says to hell with what they want – but since she wants her staff to shut them up permanently, he can have the match. Her music hits. She flips out and says cut it off, I’m trying to make an announcement. Commercial.
After a Shop TNA promo, Dixie tries again to make her important announcement, but GUNNER’S MUSIC INTERRUPTS. He’s got his Money in the Bank World Title Shot… I mean his FEAST OR FIRED BRIEFCASE. Gunner says what he has to say is more important than what she has. “I’m not a man that’s much on patience or waiting around so I want to cash in, get Magnus out here right now, I want my title shot.” Dixie first claims she’s in a giving mood, then she says NO, because Magnus is back home with millions of his countrymen. She starts to talk again and GUNNER PUTS HER MIC DOWN. “Whether it’s this week, or next week, I’m cashing in and I’m ready for him, so tell him to be ready.” Dixie says that’s fine, we get it, go away.
Dixie starts to talk again and JAMES STORM’S MUSIC HITS. He comes out to yell at Gunner and say that he ruined James Storm’s opportunity against Bobby Roode. Gunner says he was just trying to save him from being slammed into barbed wire after nearly being beaten to death the night before in a bar fight. Storm says that wasn’t the first bar fight, and it won’t be the last, and that SOMEBODY stooged Bobby Roode off to let him know Storm was hurt in the first place – he thinks it was Gunner. Furthermore to exact his revenge, he wants a match with Gunner for the briefcase. DIXIE MAKES THE MATCH. “That darlin’, is what you get for interruptin’ me!” She throws a fit and says she’ll make her announcement LATER, so HIT MY MUSIC. She leaves and a ref comes down. Commercial.
* Gunner (#1 Contender) vs. James Storm – Feast or Fired Briefcase Match
EARL HEBNER RULES A DOUBLE COUNTOUT. Storm is pissed off, angrily shoves him away, and continues to brawl with Gunner outside the ring. They fight their way up the ramp punching and scrapping, with the two referees trailing behind.
Backstage Bully Ray has his shades on, his hoodie on, sulking in sullen silence. Brooke Tessmacher tries to get him to speak to her, he at first refuses, then she says she’s going out to the ring to air his dirty laundry to the world. She starts to walk away and he finally speaks: “Brooke – that’s really not a good idea.” She listens, then walks out. Commercial.
When we come back, Magnus says he got stuck with Samoa Joe, because they were both pissed off – so then he says they in turn pissed everybody else off by becoming the tag team champions. At this point he says his star began to rise, and in 2012 he showed everybody he could be a player… until he got taken out by the Aces and Eights. That’s part one though – more from Magnus to come later on.
Brooke Tessmacher makes her way down to the ring. She says she refuses to take the blame for throwing the hammer, and she wants Bully Ray to come to the ring and tell the world the truth. He walks down to the ring, no entrance music, hoodie and shades on. He refuses to answer her. Brooke: “I’m so tired of being your dog! I have stood by you time and time again. You’re the one who told me to throw the hammer remember? I’ve watched you destroy everything. You were supposed to be my ticket the big time, but you’re like that miserable weird kid in high school who has no friends. LOOK AT ME WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU!! I am not anyone’s possession. I don’t need you. I am DONE!”
Bully Ray grabs her by the arm as she tries to leave. Taz begs him to let her go. Bully: “You’re done, when I’m done with you. And don’t worry Brooke – I don’t blame you for me not being the world champion any more, and I don’t blame you for the end of the Aces & Eights, and I don’t blame you for screwing everything up. I mean look at you, you’re not much in the brains department. I didn’t keep you around for your brains, I kept you around for certain uses, and you weren’t that good at those uses. Sometimes when I shut my eyes I wished I was back with Brooke #1.” Creepy music starts playing in the background. “You should consider yourself lucky. I could stick your head between my legs and piledrive you on your ugly face. But I’m going to use you to spread my message. Brooke – you know how sadistic and mean I am. Let them know – it’s going to be a lot worse. I’m done with you. LEAVE.” The creepy music swells to a peak, then fades away as she backs up the ramp. Commercial.
Part two of The History of Magnus. He talks about how he wound up in the Main Event Mafia, even though he had never been a main eventer like Sting, Joe or Angle. He said in truth they kept him in the Mafia because they were afraid of him, and didn’t want to have to face him, so they kept him under their thumb to avoid confrontation. He says he doesn’t need to play second fiddle to anyone.
From there we go to a backstage segment with Spud, EC3 and “Aunt Dee.” Dixie tells him she doesn’t like his tone, reminds him that “we’re the Carters and the world needs us,” and says she shouldn’t worry about the tag match because she has his back. From there we get a video package teasing a MONSTER’S BALL. So to summarize – we’re 55 minutes into the show, we’ve only had one short match, and it ended with no winner. At least this is a good video package to build up our top of the hour main event – showing how Joseph Park is really Abyss even if he doesn’t accept it. Eric Young tries to give him a pep talk backstage, but he’s wearing the track suit, not his mask. He tells the sound guy to play his music and the Abyss theme plays. “That’s not my music!” Eric hands him the 2×4 of spikes and he walks down selling his confusion before the commercials sell us some video games.
* Monster’s Ball: Joseph Park vs. Bad Influence (Daniels & Kazarian)
Daniels and Kazarian have a gameplan – they’re going to attack Park from behind and not hit him in the face with any weapons so he never sees blood. Well if we’re going with the psychology that his own blood turns him into the monster, at least they’re selling it, so I have to applaud the continuity. They beat him down into the mat, then throw in both garbage cans worth of weapons from ringside, including the cans themselves. Kazarian goes for a steel chair to whack him, and Daniels says NO NO NO YOU DON’T WANT HIM BLEEDING. They decide to stick the chair between the ropes, which gives Park a hope spot for a comeback, until he gets hit with a can from behind.
Park is thrown out to the floor and Bad Influence put the boots to him. They pull him back up by his tracksuit, throw him into the ring, then set him in the corner where they left the steel chair. Daniels is floated over the ropes to the outside, and Kazarian crashes and burns in the corner. Park puts a trash can on Kazarian and does a big splash onto it. Park goes to put him in a Boston Crab but Daniels breaks it up with a crutch to the back. Kazarian grabs “Janice” (the spiked bat) and Park crawls out of the ring. Eric Young comes out to stop Park from leaving and tries to motivate him. Park: “I can’t do it!” Young: “Yes you can.” Park: “I need your help!”
Before Young can bust Park open and show him his own blood, Bad Influence jump Young on the ramp. They throw him in the ring and try to whack him with a singapore cane, but YOUNG DUCKS AND PARK TAKES THE CANE SHOT. He’s bleeding from it! He sees the blood on his hands when he wipes his face, and ABYSS IS ALIVE. They try to cane him and he no sells. They try to chair him in the back and he no sells. He SCREAMS WITH RAGE. Now it’s his turn to cane everybody! SHOCK TREATMENT TO KAZARIAN AND BLACK HOLE SLAM TO DANIELS AND JOSEPH ‘ABYSS’ PARK WINS. Eric Young is thrilled, albeit cautious, because he doesn’t want to be attacked by his own monster. Abyss holds his spike nail bat in the air as we see Lei’d Tapa and Gail Kim talking backstage, and ODB walking backstage, and Tenay promises us Knockouts in action next. Jeff Hardy is on the phone with his wife Beth and says “I’ll call you when it’s over.” Commercial.
Part three of The History of Magnus. He says losing a title shot to AJ Styles in the BFG Series was what he needed to know he’d never take a backseat to anybody again. He says he proved that point by beating Sting at Bound For Glory, signaling to the world that he’s arrived, and his destiny has come – et cetera. Taz is making jokes about Octopussy as Gail Kim and Lei D’Tapa come to the ring. Kim proclaims herself “the greatest TNA Knockout Champion of all time” and is indignant that she was humiliated by Madison Rayne, let alone that ODB stuck a nose into her business. She says when you stick your nose in my business, you make it Lei D’Tapa’s business, so come out here and learn your lesson.
* Knockouts Grudge Match: ODB vs. Lei’d Tapa
Taz has a bunch of names for Tapa, including “Lady Gheedorah” and “Lady Godzilla” as we attempt to call the match. Normally ODB looks like a big woman, but she looks small next to Tapa. The crowd tries to chant for ODB to make a comeback but Tapa is throwing her around the ring like a rag doll. Tapa applies an illegal choke and the ref makes her break before 4. Tapa picks her up and puts her on her shoulder but ODB slips out and does some charges to the corner before eating a big boot to the face. Tapa goes to the second rope and the crowd boos, then jumps off for a butt bomb and ODB rolls out of the way.
Gail Kim throws the title in the ring while ODB is on offense for a distraction, she does something to ODB (I think she tripped her) and Tapa hits her firewoman’s carry stunner. LEI’D TAPA GETS THE WIN. Gail Kim says let that be a lesson to everybody – never mess with her business, and never mess with my business. Backstage Chris Sabin and Velvet Sky act like sweethearts. Sky says her New Year’s resolution is to make their relationship stronger. Sabin says his is to get the X Division Title back. He says he needs her to do anything he asks. She says she can’t interfere. He says if you won’t help maybe I need a girl who will. In a terrible display of acting she says “Baby don’t do this!” He walks off. Sting and Hardy have a talk to psych themselves up for the main event and we go to commercial.
The final chapter of The History of Magnus. He talks about Jeff Hardy making the mistake of spitting in Dixie’s face, which was the moment Dixie Carter realized Magnus was her man (and tipped over the ladder Hardy was standing on), and proclaims “This partnership will last for years, and there’s nothing anybody can do about it.” Before our main event can begin Dixie makes her two big announcements – Magnus gets a coronation next week and THIS IS A HANDICAP MATCH WITH TAG CHAMPS BROMANS JOINING IN.
* Impact Main Event: Jeff Hardy & Sting vs. Rockstar Spud & EC3 & BroMans
Sting opens the match and stares down EC3 until he tags out and Spud tags in. Spud runs away from Sting like a chicken and tags out to BroMans – anybody he can reach. He’s not even aiming. Fortunately he got Jessie Godderz, because when Robbie E tags in, Sting is easily able to overpower him. Sting tags in Hardy and he hits a splash for 2. He does a dive to the outside to wipe out everybody then tries to get back in until he’s grabbed from behind and put back and neck first onto the hard apron, then given a stomping by all the heels on the outside before we go to commercial break.
Eventually after the break Sting starts hitting Stinger splashes on everybody, but while he’s in the middle of doing so, EC3 SNEAKS UP BEHIND HIM FOR A ROLL-UP. The entire heel team carry EC3 to the back on their shoulders. Taz says it’s POSSIBLE he had a handful of tights when he did so, but whether you like it or not, he’s a Carter and he’s on the rise. Sting is perplexed and beside himself that he got caught. Hardy blames himself though and apologizes for tonight. Apparently this is a soul searching moment for Jeff. He says he wanted to become a wrestler BECAUSE of Sting, and there never would have been a Jeff Hardy were it not for him.
Yes you guessed it – the post-match angle is more important than the match or who won it – which is why we got a lame finish. Jeff says he destroyed himself last week and didn’t win, but he’s glad, because Dixie Carter doesn’t own him. “The politics and the games Sting, I’m so sick!” The crowd chants for Hardy. Sting begs him not to say those words he thinks he’s going to say. Hardy: “I want to stay and fight man but the fight’s all gone.” The crowd loudly chants NO NO NO. Hardy: “This was my last match in TNA! I’m gonna leave this building and I will not return until the sun shines on this dark kingdom. Creatures I thank you, Creatures I love you!” Hardy takes off his shirt and his sleeves and gives Sting a hug, then leaves everything in the ring and walks to the back. That’s it for Impact!